So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
