She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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