I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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