you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
