your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
