I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Boobs are out for the taking
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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