Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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