96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
