mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize