sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
