Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
