My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
