Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
