i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
