It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
