lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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