Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
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Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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