he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me