i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.