I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
