Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
