I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
