He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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