Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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