This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
