My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
