Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
