Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
