Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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