Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
