My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
