I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
