just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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