Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
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I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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