her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
