let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
