Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
