Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
