apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
