She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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