the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
