god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
