does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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