mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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