If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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