Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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