I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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