I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
