Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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