I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
