i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
