We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
