paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
