I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
