Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
