oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
