I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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