Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
