Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
