do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
