Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
