if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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