now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
