My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
